With 5 weeks left in this pregnancy I'm still scheduled to have a cesarean section at 38 weeks (date and time TBD), I'm an emotional mess. I find myself just crying for no reason at all, at the simplest things. My body is growing, my limbs are swollen, and I have no energy to do anything, but sit on my butt when I get home from work. Sigh! Below are some worries, fears, and blues I have as I prepare my heart and mind for delivery.
1. Weight gain and excessive swollen limbs - these last 3 weeks I've experienced the worse of being swollen. No matter how much fluid I drink, I still look like the Pillsbury dough girl. I have finally found a balance with drinking water and other fluids and literally sleeping with my feet on pillows to reduce the swelling in my feet and hands. My biggest concern with excess fluid and weight gain is a repeat of having pre-eclampsia which will cause for immediate delivery of Maxwell. My doctors have been watching the protein levels in my urine and I've done my best not to sweat the small stuff. If my clothes don't get folded or the dishes ain't washed or the house is not clean, I could care less. My health and Maxwell's health is all that matters to me in the last few weeks.
2. Movement - as you can imagine not feeling the baby move is heart breaking in more than one way. It's solely your responsibility to know when something is wrong with the baby at this stage in the pregnancy. I still beat myself up for not knowing something was wrong with BJ in the 9 months I carried him. So, not feeling Maxwell move is a major concern for me. I found myself crying and almost hysterical because I forget the last time he moved, but then I just pray to God and he kicks. Sometimes, fear continues to creep up and I remember that Faith comes by hearing and work through believing that God can and will provide.
3. Repeat cesarean section - I've been having day dreams & dreams about this pending c-section. I'm nervous, anxious, and prayerful that I won't have the same experience in the OR. I dream of hearing Maxwell cry. That's all I want to hear is his cry for me to know that he is alright. After that I just want to hold him for hours and just have my time with him. That's all I dream about and all I long for. I haven't even dreamt about breastfeeding, his circumcision, or even bringing him home. My biggest desire is for him to be healthy. Of course my biggest fear is the obvious not bringing him home. The hardest part about Faith is, believing God is good when we've experienced something oh so bad. but the truth remains he is faithful!
Keep the Faith!
Until next time,
~E
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